When I was younger, I learned that the way to have a good friend is to be a good friend.  While I have not always succeeded in being on top of my game with every friend along the way, I know that I have to strive to do my part to be the friend I wish my friends would be to me.  This is true of all of us. In order to have a great friend, you have to be a great friend.

Below are tips to being a great friend:
1.    Nurture your friendships:  Too often we allow life to take over and we forget our friends until we need them.  As we get older this is even truer.  We can easily get caught in the habit of calling once or twice a year for birthdays or special occasions and then get lost in the everyday chaos of life.  While this is okay sometimes, it’s often only a matter of time before the relationship wanes and one of the people begins to feel hurt by the lack of communication.  If you call someone a friend, then make that person a priority.  Check-in with them to let them know they’re on your mind.  Don’t ditch them for your new boyfriend, project or drama—keep in touch.
2.     Make sure you are giving and receiving:  Friendships should be a fare combination of give and take with each of you giving and each of you receiving.  When friendships become all about one person taking and the other person giving, then it’s a one-sided friendship.  Over time the one giving will become resentful and pull away.  On your end, be sure to do your part to keep the friendship balanced: offer to help when they need you and ask for help when you need them. If they constantly say no, look for another friend.
3.     Be honest:  True friendship is about having a safe place to be vulnerable, honest and trusting.  As a friend you have to be willing to tell your truth in a compassionate way to those closest to you.  The feedback of a close friend is often a tremendous gift.  Women too often bash the men in their lives with one another yet never tell each other the truth about the woman’s behavior.  This type of “support” is anything but supportive.  If your friend is acting like a crazy person with her partner, the last thing you want to tell her is that she’s right her partner’s a jerk.  Tell her that his behavior was off (if it was) AND that her response isn’t helping her.
4.    Cheer their successes:  When your friend is doing great things in her life, don’t think about all the things you’re not doing.  Her success is not about you.  It’s about her—help her enjoy it and feel good about it rather than guilty about it.

Friendships are a gift—remember to treat them as such.

Challenge: Remember that in order to have a friend you have to be a friend.  Follow the four tips above to start with and notice what happens.

Stop thinking about all the things you can’t do, don’t know or can’t change and start trusting your instincts, your abilities and your strength.  Things may be hard, you may be scared and those around you may be hurtful, AND… you can create change if you so choose to.

Change starts with you and you alone.  If you feel trapped—figure out the obstacles and do what you need to do to chip away at them (find a job, see a therapist, start exercising etc.).  If you don’t like how you look—take steps to take better care of yourself (exercise, eat healthy, cut your hair etc.).  If your boss is a jerk and you need a paycheck—start looking for other jobs and start having your back on issues that won’t jeopardize your job.  Begin to send a clear message that it’s not okay for your boss to treat you mean.

If you’re feeling stuck, start looking at what you’re doing or not doing to keep yourself in that position.  Stop telling yourself all the things you can’t do and begin to look at all the things you can and have done.  I’ve yet to meet any woman who has done nothing and seriously doubt that you are incapable either.

The only way to have healthy relationships is for you to be healthy in them.  Get yourself healthy and stop sabotaging your success and your life.  You deserve better than that and only you can give yourself better than that.

Challenge: Pay attention to all the negative messages you give yourself and how they keep you doubting yourself and playing small.  Every time you hear these messages step in and fix them.  Refuse to allow your brain to attack our success.  You have the ability to create change all by yourself; stop telling yourself you can’t and instead start stepping up.

It’s kinda garish, but I like it.

I’ll show you how to make your own next week. In the meantime, here’s what happened when I asked my daughter what our family’s rules are.

When I told my older daughter that I was making family rules, she had some suggestions.

I really wanted to include her suggestions in my finished project, but -

{ahem}

They aren’t exactly the kind of rules I would want hanging on the wall when company comes over.

My daughter was completely serious as she explained the rules to me. Her finger waggled, and her right hand was on her hip.

I wrote her rules down eagerly, and I promised to include them in my blog post about the canvas.

Here they are:

The Rules that Didn’t Make The Cut

• No picking your butt in the bed {This one came from Momma complaining that my daughter’s pillow smelled like her butt.}
• Wear two buckles when you’re riding in the car {She is paranoid about her car seat. I wonder where she got that from.}
• Don’t leave wet or dirty diapers in the car over night {Once or twice, we’ve been greeted by a stinky car because I left a diaper in there.}
• No biting
• No screaming or whistles in the house
• Always wear a shirt & underwear at the dinner table {She would come to dinner butt naked if I allowed her. Butt naked is her term, by the way.}
• Always wash your hands after picking your butt because Momma complains when she holds your hand and it smells like your butt.
• Don’t get close to an ogre {Okay, this one stumped me.}
• Eat goodies only on special occasions {Like most kids, my almost-five-year-old would eat candy all day every day. She asks for a goodie at least six times a day.}
• Only pick your nose in private {Picking your butt, apparently, is allowed in public, but nose picking is reserved for private time.}
• Don’t come downstairs after bedtime {It took us six months or more to get this drilled into her. Daddy is upstairs with her, and I am downstairs working. She is not allowed to come downstairs and disrupt me working; she has to take her issues to Daddy instead.}
• Play with your sister every day {In the middle of the crazy, this one made me swoon.}
• Don’t fuss and you’ll get it done sooner {Oh, how I wish this were the case.}
• Save a present for tomorrow {I haven’t got a clue where this one came from, but I liked the sentiment of delaying the fun, so I included it in the finished project.}

I couldn’t make this stuff up.

What crazy rules do you have at your house?

I have a passion for plus size fashion and pride myself in working with curvy women, big and tall men, plus size models, and curvy celebrities and personalities. I have immersed myself in the plus industry by collaborating with industry leaders to showcase curvy women in a positive, flattering way. I offer my clients a fresh perspective on fashion by educating them and giving them tools to look their best, gain increased self-confidence and help them discover their personal style. I love representing the positive side of plus, and empowering my clients to look and feel great, regardless of their size. I believe that how we dress every day is our personal form of self-expression, directly reflecting how we feel inside and how we want the world to perceive us. I encourage my clients to have fun with fashion, make a statement, and to always “think outside the fashion box!”

It’s hard to believe the summer season is just around the corner, so you know what that means… swimsuit season!!! It’s time to shed the clothes and choose that perfect suit to wear during your summer getaways, adventures, and even summer staycations.

I think it’s safe to say that women of all shapes and sizes dislike shopping for swimwear, so in order to make it a simple and painless experience, I have one important piece of advice – Flatter Your Shape! Not all styles are right for all bodies, so when choosing swimwear, keep in mind that even though it comes in your size, the style, cut, fit, color, or print may not be the most flattering choice for you. Knowing your body and what silhouettes are flattering for you will help to quickly narrow down your options and give you that perfect swimsuit that looks amazing on you and to wear with confidence!

Sonsi has an amazing selection of plus size swimwear for all shapes and personal styles! Here are my top picks for each body type and some tips and tricks for accentuating your curves:

Bigger on Top

• Chest is proportionately larger than the rest of your frame
• Shoulders are broad with thicker back, neck and larger upper arms

What to Choose:

• Tops with built-in under wire and wider straps are ideal to lift, separate, and support the chest and back. Large amounts of cleavage make breasts look bigger and unsupported, so choose a style with ample chest coverage to offer support.
• Square, V-neck, surplice and empire waist styles are great, as they will create the illusion of more space at the neckline. Balance the silhouette by choosing a solid, darker color on top, and a lighter or printed pattern on bottom.
• Embellishments on the hips such as a sash or adjustable ruching can balance out a busty top and lengthen the thigh.

What to Avoid:

• Strapless tops, spaghetti straps and bikini tops with minimal coverage.
• Although halter-tops can offer support since they tie at the neck, take caution if you are broader in the shoulders, as your shoulders will appear larger and it will create too much cleavage.
• Avoid tops that feature details and embellishments at the bust area.

Pinpoint one piece swimsuit by Miraclesuit®

Bigger on Bottom

• Top half is generally smaller than the bottom half of the body with a smaller midsection.
• Bottom heavy in the behind with rounded hips and full thighs.
• Narrow neck, shoulders, and bust area.

What to Choose:

• Details and embellishment at the neckline of the suit that catch the eyes, draw them upward, balance out a narrow shoulder, and minimize the lower half of the body.
• Scoop necklines with wider/thicker straps will help to add balance to the invisible line from the shoulders to the hips.
• Suits with a pattern on top and a darker solid on bottom are an ideal combination.
• Skirt bottoms that skim the hips and upper thighs to add coverage without covering too much of the body.

What to Avoid:

• Bottoms that are too tight, light colors have extra embellishment, loud patterns or details as well as boy short styles, as they will draw attention to the area and make the bottom half appear larger.

Big Cat Plus Size Triple Tier Swimsuit by Longitude

More in the Middle

• Upper body is larger than your lower body, with most weight is carried in the midsection.
• Ample breasts with a wide back and shoulders.
• Slimmer arms and legs with trim backside and typically smaller hip.

What to Choose:

• Tankinis with an empire waist are ideal because they are looser fitting in the mid-section, meet the largest part of the hip and balance out the bust area.  Choose a mid-rise or high-rise full bottom with a tankini to offer ample support to the mid-section.
• One-piece with a built in faux wrap or built in “tummy tamer” panels, as they will smooth and minimize the tummy area.
• Large bias cut patterns and verticle stripes are a great to camouflage and visually lengthen the silhouette.
• Plunge, Square and V-necklines are ideal to break the line of the bust, draw the eyes upward, and elongate the body, all while creating the illusion of a balanced bust.

What to Avoid:

• Bottoms that are low waisted or string bikini, as they will not offer enough support to the mid-section.
• Horizontal stripes or patterns and textures that will draw attention to the mid-section.

Crossover Swimsuit by Infinity Blu

Straight

• Straight body with bust and hips that are almost the same size and an undefined waist.
• Typically smaller bust and slimmer legs and arms.

When choosing a swimsuit, those who have a rectangle body type should concentrate on creating and defining the waist.

What to Choose:

• One piece suits with surplice and wrap detailing, as well as built in belts or color panels to create a waistline.
• Patterns, textures and color blocking at the waistline to visually draw the eye to the waistline, specifically swirl patterns.

What to Avoid:

• Completely solid-colored one-piece swimwear or those with horizontal stripes and patterns, as they will visually make the silhouette appear straight with an undefined waist.

Colorblock swim tank with no wire bra by Cacique

Proportional/Hourglass

• The top and bottom halves of the body are in proportion to each other
• Waistline is natural defined

What to Choose:

• One piece suits with surplice and wrap detailing, as well as built in belts or color panels to accentuate waistline.
• Patterns, textures and color blocking at the waistline , with solid colors on top and bottom.
• 2-pc bikinis that show off your defined waistline

What to Avoid:

• Any style that puts your silhouette out of balance or adds bulk to your frame.

Rialto one piece swimsuit by Miraclesuit

Now that I’m an adult, I see the damage of words all too clearly.  I also, grow really tired of the excuses and minimization people use to explain their harshness.  Far too often I hear adults say that what they say in anger was no big deal. I hear men and women both say:
•    “I was just mad. I didn’t mean anything by what I said.”
•    “You’re too sensitive.”
•    “What’s the big deal?  It’s not like you’ve never sworn before.”
•    “It’s not like I hit you—would you let it go?!”
•    “It was just a joke. Can’t you take a joke?”

First off let me start by saying that words have an impact regardless of whether they are said in anger, wrapped in sarcasm or disguised as humor.  And, although words don’t break bones…they often do break hearts.

Do not pretend for a moment that your words don’t hurt.  Do not think that because you laughed after delivering a painful jab that your laughter in anyway reduced the sting of the punch.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking that your partner’s upset is about s/he being too sensitive about a joke made at their expense.  Don’t think that just because people laugh, that the comment was funny.   Finally, don’t fool yourself into thinking that just because you’re angry, that it’s okay to be hurtful.

Words hurt.  When hurtful words are spoken in anger—the words are used for the sole purpose of hurting.  Don’t later act shocked that the other person was actually sad about the sting your words caused.  Know that your words had the desired effect and have the courage to say you’re so sorry that you let it get out of hand.  Fix it, don’t justify or minimize it.

In the future, be conscious and deliberate.  Take the time to think before you speak.  Be deliberate in what you say, how you say it and who you say it to.  This is especially important when in comes to those people who are closest to you.  Treat your loved ones lovingly—in anger or otherwise.  Stop fooling yourself into thinking your hurtful words and not-so-funny-jokes are no big deal. Instead of throwing jabs and hurtful comments, use your words to build others up not tear them down.

Challenge:  The next time you get angry–control yourself.  Speak cleanly about your upset without being hurtful or abusive in any way.  If you do slip, then please have the courage to acknowledge you were off rather than blaming the other person for being too sensitive or making a big deal out of your hurtful comments.  If it hurts—it is a BIG deal.

The Fashion Team back in St. Louis after two fab weeks in China designing the Fall 2012 Collection and the Spring 2013 Collection. Still jet-lagged but just had to share these highlights of our trip with our friends and fans at Sonsi.com:

Phyllis from the Fashion Team makes friends with grandmother shopping with grandson for fresh fish at morning street market in Chaozhou.

First stop after a 15-hour flight from L.A.:  the vast fabric market in Guangzhou, China – one of the largest in Asia with endless alleys of fabric and trim suppliers. We discover a silver and black brocade, picture-perfect for our new Mother of the Bride dress. Maybe line the jacket in the brocade?!? A butter-soft chiffon print with white polka dots
on sherbet colors will make an oh-so fun Prom 2013 dress. After six hours, we’re tired but still hunting for a netting embroidered with floral designs for a new informal wedding dress design.

Second stop after a quick one hour plane ride: Chaozhou, China, a small city in Guangdong Province known for its skilled bead workers. We kick off our 8-day stay here with a stress-curing foot massage for $10.00 followed by a wash and blow dry in the hotel hair salon for $6.00.

The week goes by fast visiting factories morning and afternoon. We’re sooo excited to see how our sketches translate into first samples:
- A Cinderella-style ball gown with a corseted top in purple is so strong we order it in pink! Perfect for a Prom 2013 Princesses.
- A casual wedding dress needs the train reworked. It’s too long for an informal, beach or destination wedding!
- The beading pattern on a long, formal red gown gets updated by adding more larger, geometric stones for a trendier look.
-  A little black dress for Fall 2012 needs to be shorter to be sexy for that big night out.

Morning street market in Chaozhou.

We’re famished! All that design work builds up an appetite.  We feast on fresh fish caught daily from nearby China Sea: grilled lobster tails, stir fried clams, whole fish steamed in seaweed and five spices and our fav, the original sweet and sour fish.
After being on the road for nine days, we each have a laundry bag stuffed with dirty clothes. The hotel laundry is too pricey. We head down the street to where the locals get their clothes cleaned. The owner doesn’t speak any English but we hand him a business card with our hotel name, address and room number. The next day our fresh clothes,
folded neatly, are waiting for us at the desk in the lobby. (Wish we could get this service back home!)

Tree-filled atrium overlooking courtyard at a dress factory in Chaozhou.

We wrap up our super successful stay in Chaozhou making arrangements to get the dozens of samples flown home. Our technical designer can’t wait to check the new styles on our fit model so we can get a second round of samples!

The view of our hotel from our room, 8 floor up.

The 8,500-mile trek home starts with an hour-long taxi ride from Chaozhou to Shantou where we catch a plane to Guangzhou. Overnight at the airport, then a 13-hour flight across the Pacific Ocean to L.A.  Overnight at L.A. then finally(!) the last leg of the two-day trip: a relatively short four-hour flight to St. Louis!

Thanks again to Phyllis & her team for this amazing blog. We can’t wait to see what’s in store for Sydney’s Closet in their upcoming seasons! Interested in shopping Sydney’s Closet prom, mother of the bride & other formal dresses? Shop now.

Everyone was perfectly pleasant there. Each time I walked in, lovely, stylish, cheerfully made-up women welcomed me by name and included me in their conversations. I felt frumpy, flabby, woefully plain in comparison.

Greeted by their perfection, I felt like a fraud.

Nothing those women said or did made me feel this way. Really. Everyone I talked to was nice, smiling.

I felt like I was passing for something that I’m not, and passing is exhausting. It was almost like I’d been invited to sit with the cool kids at lunch, and I was just waiting for them to realize that I didn’t belong and ask me to leave.

So I left first.

I quit before they could realize that I’m unlikable, broken, disheveled.

That painful truth was etched permanently onto my heart in the sixth grade by Marsha and Becky and then in the seventh grade when I ate lunch alone because not even the dorky, unpopular kids would allow me to join their lunch table.

There has got to be something seriously wrong with you if you aren’t even good enough to sit with the unpopular kids.

I’ve become hardened over the last twenty years. I’m an introvert by nature and by circumstance. Being alone doesn’t bother me, and I’d almost convinced myself a few years ago that I didn’t need friends.

But I do need friends.

Friends are a soothing balm to my wounded heart, and I cherish the friendships I have developed over the last couple of years.

I vacillated between quitting the moms’ group and not quitting.

On one hand, it was just so hard to dress up and be pretty and make small talk. On the other hand, I thought there may have been a couple of blossoms with potential to bloom into friendships.

In the end, the hard won out and I quit. I just didn’t want to find out that no one liked me.

What she said after that scream made my whole body go numb and the air suck instantly and completely from my lungs.

“THE BABY IS EATING YOUR MEDICINE!” she cried, standing in the bathroom door.

I’d been sick for a day and a half, and I’d run to the bathroom a few minutes earlier under duress, naked and still wet from a shower with the baby.

“Take it away from her!” I told my older daughter. “Get it out of her mouth!” To say I finished my business in a hurry would be a woeful understatement.

When I got downstairs, I swept the baby’s mouth with my finger but found nothing. I noticed a slightly blue toothpaste-looking foam around one side of her mouth, and I knew. She had chewed up and swallowed one of my bipolar meds.

I googled and called poison control, and they told me to call 9-1-1 right away.

It’s a good thing I was numb because those instructions would have otherwise left me an anxiety-filled mass of blubber weeping on the floor.

I called; county control dispatched. I hastened to find clean clothes to cover our naked bodies.

As the minutes ticked by, my baby laughed and ran around the house, unaware of the time bomb slowly digesting in her stomach.

Even now, two whole weeks later, I feel nauseous just to think about it.

While we waited for the paramedics to arrive, my older daughter cried. Hysterically. “It’s all my fault!” she sobbed, as if she were the responsible adult left in charge of the baby.

“Honey. It’s not your fault at all. It’s Momma’s fault for leaving the pills where the baby could find them.” As I spoke, I looked right into her eyes and thought about the moment hours earlier when I saw the pill box on the end table. The little voice in my head (that can only be God) said, “Put that up on the bookshelf.” I didn’t get up and do it right then, and it slipped my mind.

I had just enough time to get dressed before my mom, a police officer, and the paramedics arrived.

Everything happened quickly after that. The ambulance ride, the ER, the vital signs, the toxicology consult, the charcoal drink she eagerly gulped down right up until she lost consciousness.

I sat, rocking my limp baby, trying to coax the unnaturally black liquid from a bottle through her lips and down her gullet a few drops at a time.

There was another whirlwind, heart monitors and breathing monitors and pulsox and EKG and I don’t know what else. There were nurses and doctors in and out and checking as she lie motionless in my arms.

And then she started to cry and reach for my neck.

Awake, uncomfortable, and wanting only Momma and the iPhone, my baby was back and back to stay.

I called Poison Control at 1:43 in the afternoon. We walked out of the hospital at 6:47. It felt like ten minutes.

I am thankful to God who gave me the peace that passes all understanding and the grace to be strong and calm when my family needed me to be.

I am thankful to the hundreds of family and friends and acquaintances and strangers who were praying for us and sending us notes of encouragement through Twitter, Facebook, and by text message.

Most of all, I am thankful that God didn’t take my baby away from me and that she will have no lasting consequences from the drug.

Who needs a $540 million lottery? That day was the luckiest day of my entire life.

As you can imagine, none of these approaches is effective.  Too many people work in the extremes—either silencing and placating or snapping and bullying.  As a result, people either overshoot or undershoot in their responses to upset.  Too few people actually step in with a Grounded Powerful Strength (GPS).

A Grounded Powerful Strength is calm, strong AND relational. The bottom-line rule in a GPS is DO NO HARM.  Regardless of how angry you are or someone else is, neither you nor the other person has the right to be verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.  Yelling, screaming and calling names are abusive—to others.  Allowing others to yell, scream and treat you poorly is abusive—to you.

Stepping in with a GPS requires that we keep our voices low and steady, our words clear and respectful and our demeanor calm.  There is no reason for anyone to belittle, shame, mock, intimidate or threaten another person…and anytime we are doing any of these behaviors, we are off.  It is equally not okay to silence ourselves in the wake of someone else’s abuse or mistreatment.  Standing up effectively requires that we protect ourselves from the toxicity of others while simultaneously protecting others from our own toxicity.  A Grounded Powerful Strength is about standing up without stepping on anyone—or allowing anyone to step on you.

There are very few role models, in our world, of people who use a GPS.  We get slammed with so many messages about how to handle anger that it’s no wonder people don’t know how to be effective.

We don’t need to rage or bully in order to be heard.  We also don’t need to duck, placate or silence in order to avoid a fight.  Instead, we are the most effective when we step in, say it straight, act respectful and are clear about what we want and/or what we are going to do.  A Grounded Powerful Strength is our map to health in our relationships.  The more grounded and respectful we are in even the most difficult of times, the more powerful and strong our message is.

Stop watering down your message by hanging out in the extremes.  Come back to earth.  Get grounded, stay respectful and take action.

Challenge: For the next week, watch how the world handles anger, conflict and upset.  Notice how people hang out in the extremes and if you see someone stepping in with a GPS, holding their own with a calm certainty—notice what it’s like to see that kind of strength.  Finally, watch yourself and avoid responding in the extremes—find your GPS.

First of all: who am I? My name is Gaëlle-Vanessa, nicknamed: Vanoue. I was born and raised in Africa and now live in Paris. I run a plus size blog written in French and English named “Les Pitreries de Vanoue”. You can translate as “Vanoue’s shenanigans.” In 2010 I went to Full Figured Fashion Week™ in NYC and met amazing people (like the Sonsi Team!). They asked me if I would be interested in blogging for SonsiLiving about French plus size way of life. What an honor!

I have been a bit missing in action here for a while but I am so excited about returning to the big Apple for the third time that I couldn’t enjoy this without sharing with all of you.

Since June 2010, I have decided that every year, I would have a special time in my life to celebrate plus size fashion, so I told my boss at work that I needed my holidays in june. It was tough at the begining but this year is the third one and things are just that way!

As I already know about FFFweek™, it was really important for me that other French speaking people could be part of this huge event which celebrates the plus size industry. Therefore, every year I apply to be a member of the Fashion Front which “serves as the full figured fashion force at the frontlines of Full Figured Fashion Week™ in New York- bringing the latest news, perspective, and exclusive access to FFFWeek™.” And yes! For the third time, my application has been approuved! This will give me access to all events, interview everyone, meet the models, designers, production team and take pictures with my friends from Sonsi!

Being a member of the Fashion Front also helps me sharing all the exciting news about he event on my blog to French speaking people and guess what! This year, I will travel from France with 10 fatshionistas ready to discover the runway shows, to network with small businesses and share their journey as french plus size women.

I am so proud about this because these women have been following my previous trips to New York and are just waiting to feel the empowerment they read in my stories everytime I come back from Full Figured Fashion Week!

Well, we have booked our flights, rented 2 appartments, got tickets to attend most of events we can physically attend and now it’s time to figured out the outfits to wear for the white on white cruise for the opening night of Full Figured Fashion Week! Here are my suggestions for some looks:

Smocked strapless dress by Lane Bryant

Wide Floral Cutout Scrollwork Cuff by Palm Beach Jewelry

Starlight Sequined Scarf by Catherines

Shadow Stripe Cardigan by Catherines

Peasant dress by Lane Bryant

Multi-Row Bangle Bracelet by Palm Beach Jewelry

'Marilyn' Short Convertible Dress - White by Monif C.

Shall we meet between June 13 and June 16th?