Women who struggle in romantic relationships often get involved with the same men again and again. Although these men may have different names, to their core, they are often the same. Some women repeatedly go after men who are emotionally and physically unavailable while others go after men who are controlling, abusive or harsh. Regardless of what the particular characteristics are, the women end up repeatedly getting involved with the same type of guy again and again. Not surprisingly, each relationship often comes to the same dysfunctional conclusion as the one before.
Until women do the internal work necessary to look at why they’re attracted to these men and to avoid choosing these men in the future, they will be forever unhappy in their relationships.
The last thing many women want to do, however, is look at their own issues. Too many women instead, get stuck focusing on the men’s issues and trying to change the men. They chase emotionally shut down men and beg them to talk, plead with abusive men to not be so abusive, complain to workaholics to stop working and on and on. Unfortunately this focus on others is what keeps the women stuck in the same bad patterns for years. Until the women turn their focus on getting themselves healthier, they will continue to attract the same men and get stuck in the same dysfunctional relationship patterns forever.
Women tune in: If women are not relationally healthy, they will be attracted to others who are also not relationally healthy. There is no way around this truth. Women attract people who are on the same level of health as they are. If women want healthy relationships, they have to get relationally healthy.
* If women are desperate–they’ll sell their souls
* If women live in fear—they won’t allow themselves to see.
* If women don’t think they are deserving—they will settle.
* If women are too reactive—they will keep others and the world at bay.
The good news in this truth is that women have control of their destinies. Women decide what type of relationships they have. Women have the power to step out of old patterns and instead create new patterns that are healthy and loving. When women have the courage to take their eyes off others and look at themselves, their lives and relationships can change. When they begin to choose differently, respond differently and love themselves enough to not settle, their lives will change.
Stop twisting yourself into a pretzel to get the men in your life to love you. Be a loving partner. Be accountable for your actions. Be cherishing and respectful at all times. And…accept nothing less from others. Don’t try to change him—you don’t have that power. Invite him into your life and use a grounded strength to stand up for yourself. Let him know you would love to have him share your life with you as long as he is also loving, cherishing, accountable and respectful. If he chooses not to be these things, let him know you are sad…and you will miss him. Be clear that settling for anything less than the above is not in your life plan. Stand behind this sentiment your entire life.
Challenge: If you have a history of bad relationships look back over that history with a new eye. What are the old moves you’ve done that have not served you? Do deeper work if necessary to unhook from old patterns that have not served you.